


The Heart Knows Reason That Reason Knows Not

by IwriteDreams



Category: World Trigger (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Fluff, Jane Eyre - Freeform, M/M, Yonemiwa, cowards, im really tierd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 00:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18128360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IwriteDreams/pseuds/IwriteDreams





	The Heart Knows Reason That Reason Knows Not

“What’s the difference between tangent, and Inverse tangent?”

 

Yoneya Yousuke is a fool. Foolish, foolhardy. There’s not a lot in this world he couldn’t get wrong.

 

“Tangent is the sides, Inverse is 2 sides and an adjoining angle. Tangent is Opposite side over hypotenuse. Honestly- do you listen at all?”

 

Shuji Miwa is cold. Cold hearted and cold-shouldered. However, Yoneya knows that he really isn’t mean- nor is he really upset. If he really where Yoneya would be sitting with Izumi instead, and this homework would be taking even longe, because when they where together they never could focus on a thing.

 

“So- I just... Then do I just plug it into the calculator?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“That’s… not hard at all then.” Yoneya declared, looking at the pesky little triangles again. Honestly, trigonometry was a real chore, but this didn’t seem nearly as impossible with Miwa sitting next to him. “I just need to remember the formulas, remember which equation I put in- and I’m good to go?”

 

“Essentially. You want to write some of it down yourself, lest you're accused of cheating.”

 

“Yeah yeah-” Yoneya said, sticking his tongue out more at the table than anything. The air was cold and sharp against his face, and the metal seats a the outside table were chilling to the touch. Miwa’s hands encircled a warm tea to keep himself from freezing over, and his soft scarf was tucked close around his neck. Yoneya figures his skin would be chapped and dry in the morning- the sudden winter cold rushed to claim the city without warning. At least Miwa wore gloves this time- Yoneya had endlessly pestered him to do so, worried that he he might fall ill, and Miwa eventually gave in and started wearing them habitually. Dark red ones, almost brown. 

 

“Wait- Shuji- this isn’t right.”

 

His calculator was telling him that the missing side was maybe three times longer than it really should be realistically. “Wouldn’t this break the rule? The, two small sums can’t surpass the large side?”

 

“They have to surpass it.” Miwa corrected, and Yoneya handed over his old calculator to clothed hands, sipping at his coffee for a moment. Miwa frowned at it- leaned over to get a good look at the number they were working with, and input it again, only for the calculator to spit out the same number a second time. Miwa's brow furrowed in concentration, and Yoneya smiled into the plastic brim of his mocha. MIwa’s constant irritation was usually something to worry about, but when directed twords something as harmless as a calculator? Keeping him happy didn’t seem too daunting. Miwa squinted at it, and all the tension suddenly released. “You have it in rad mode. You need to change it to degree mode.” He said, handing the calculator back to him.

 

“Oh- yeah! Sorry, I totally forgot about it! Thanks, Shuji. You’re the best.”

 

Miwa doesn’t say anything, but Yoneya didn't miss the slight upturn of Miwa’s lips, smiling down at his tea for a moment and Yoneya sucked in a warm breath. “I haven't seen that in a while.”

 

Miwa looked up at him, the expression dropping from his face. 

 

“You, smile.” Yoneya clarified. “It’s nice.” 

 

He knows that Miwa doesn’t like to hear things like that- or at least, doesn't know how to, so immediately he pretends to not remember how to switch the mode on the calculator, asking Miwa to show him- which he wordlessly obliges. Soft gloves over his cold fingers, pressing all the right buttons.

 

___

 

The next day Ren comes bearing news that her aunt has fallen gravely ill- and that she is leaving to spend time with her tomorrow until she passes. 

 

Miwa seems passive about the idea, more bothered by the news of her aunt then her absense. Narasaka claims that he sent in a request for a part-time operator until Ren got back- to help run training and simulations. It seemed to tide over the squad- and as Yoneya poked at his chemistry homework (who the hell has time to memorize the periodic table? It’s a bunch of meaningless garble, like most things in school) He watches as the bags hanging under Miwa’s eyes begin to wash over him, and he seems to sink deeper into the couch- his romance book still opened gently between his fingers, the spine falling apart. 

 

“Should I dim the lights?” Yoneya teased- Miwa really needed to get more sleep then he did, and he was more than happy to hold down the fort if he needed a nap not that he’d admit to needing one.

 

“No- I’m okay.” He said trying to shake himself awake. Yoneya frowned. Taking a nap wasn’t against the law- but Miwa was determined to keep reading, instead of taking care of one of himself in any way. He was a stubbourn brat sometimes, in Yoneya’s humble opinion.

 

“You can rest Shuji. Really, It’s okay.”

 

Miwa doesn’t justify him with a response, instead opening his eyes to open further, and shifts into a more upright position on the sofa. “I said I’m fine.”

 

“Okay. You’re right, I’m sorry.”

 

Yoneya kept picking over his flashcards- who the hell looked at the word “potassium” and was like “K!”

 

Why was “AU” gold? Couldn’t it be Gd? Or Gl?

 

He glanced over at Miwa, who was hallowly staring at the pages of the book. He wasn’t reading the lines, just staring at the whole page as if it would absorb slowly into his mind without reading all the words. Like he was hoping the book would envelop him in one swift motion. 

 

Yoneya frowned, he really  _ wasn’t _ looking too good.    
  
Even as Miwa blinked heavily into his own eyelids, Yoneya realized he’d been staring a while, and reached over for his phone to google why the hell everything in the periodic table was named what it was. It made no sense.

 

By the time his thumbs had skimmed through Wikipedia and he found out that he had Latin to blame for this problem, Miwa’s eyes where closed, and his breathing was even. His head leaning up against the back of the couch. Yoneya smiled, and he felt warm, just looking at it. He carefully stood up, stretching his legs for a moment, before finding a blanket thrown over an office chair, the one he’d been using yesterday and grabbed it. 

 

Making his way over to Miwa, he took the book out of his hands- which seemed to startle Miwa awake. 

 

“Yosuke?”

 

Yoneya doesn't answer- just throws the blanket over him, and places the book on the table out of reach. He doesn’t dim the lights, because that might be pushing it. “I said I was fine.” And Yonea doesn’t argue. Because Miwa’s already grabbing fistfuls of the soft fleece, and tucking it under his chin, and he rolls more to the side and resting his head and his eyes. Yoneya had to pretend that it isn’t happening. Only- he’s all too aware of how nice it is. Victories against Miwa are hard fought, and rarely won, but when he comes out on top, it really is a nice occasion.  

 

_____

  
  


Yoneya doesn't register it as a problem. Quite the opposite, actually. He must’ve fallen into a deep sleep somewhere along the line himself because when he wakes up he realized that he'd had a wild dream- and a long one at that, and an hour and a half had passed. Something about a stuffy indoor pool... And Miwa sitting next to him, talking for a change. Yoneya tries to shake off the nonsense.

 

In the doorway is Kodera, who looks like he’d just witnessed a baby being run over by a car. He’s looking somehow even more panicked than usual. Seemingly impossible but something’s up. 

 

“Yoneya!” Kodera called “I need- oh.” Kodera’s voice died when he saw Miwa under blankets, head leaning on the arm of the couch.    
  
Yoneya locked out his knees and stretched his legs, arching his back he heard it crack. “What's up? You look scared.”

 

“Uh- I, yes! We just got word about our replacement operator for the time being.”

 

“Really? That was fast- who is it?”

 

“It’s… Usami.”

 

“Really?! Nice!” Yoneya cheered. He hadn’t been able to talk to her in a while- while family is important, things got muddled and busy. “Oh, that’s great! She’ll fit right in!” Yoneya in his victory almost didn’t notice Kodera’s still concerned look.    
  
“What- you still look upset. What’s wrong with Usami? She’s like, one of my favorite people!”

 

“Well, it’s just that…” Kodera poked at the brim of his glasses. “I’m a little nervous about what Miwa will think.”

 

“ _ Oh. _ ” 

 

It does take a moment to consider it. Miwa doesn’t keep it any shielded secret that he believes that all Tamakoma folk are yellow-bellied assholes, giving heartless monsters a chance at the risk of their own safety. 

 

From what Yoneya can tell, it’s less about the neighbors and more about Miwa, worried about the consequences of the combatants putting themselves in harm’s way in what  _ he _ feels is a fruitless attempt at diplomacy. He hides it all the same, as he always does. But it’s certainly a distinction worth making in Yoneya’s mind.

 

Still, as far as Yoneya was concerned nobody could hate Usami of all people. He’d come around one way or another. And if he needed too, Yoneya was pretty good at breaking the ice between people. He knows he’s pretty stupid sometimes- but he’s as literate as could be in everything Miwa, and everything friendly. 

 

“He’ll do fine,” Yoneya assures him, and Kodera looks temperatly relieved that he seems to think so. “If he can defeat huge crazy monsters, he can be nice to Usami for a week or two.”

 

Kodera still appears slightly unconvinced but lets the issue drop there. 

 

“Besides- don’t you have bigger things to worry about if Usami’s going to be our temporary replacement?”

 

Kodera cringed, but there was no way he didn’t expect  _ this  _ to come up. “Uh, yeah.”

 

Yoneya smiled, Kodera’s soft spot for Usami was obvious as could be. “You got it, buddy. I know you do.”

 

“Sure,” Kodera said, more to his feet than anything. “I mean- I’ll try.”

 

Yoneya clapped him on the back, smiling. “I can help you out- if you need!”

 

“Please  _ don’t. _ ”

 

“Come on- What could I do that would really hurt your chances?”

 

“Everything Yoneya! Look I can- I can handle it myself.”

 

“ _ Can _ you though?”

 

“ _ Yes _ !  _ Please _ don’t try to help!”

 

Yoneya was ready to tease him a little more in his favor, it wasn’t  _ mean _ per se- but watching him struggle was  _ maybe  _ a  _ little _ amusing to him.

 

Yoneya’s attention was drawn away from Kodera when the shape nested in the crook of the sofa shifted for a moment. 

 

Yoneya looks over just in time to see Miwa shakily sitting up, base hand trembling a little bit. He looks a little less tired but still very much irritated. What else is new? Miwa didn’t say anything, blinking for a moment in his haze, registering what was happening aroundhim. Yoneya waved at him shyly as Miwa looked the two of them up and down. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled for some reason. He looked embarrassed. “What did I miss?”

 

“Oh! Uh, we just got word of our replacement operator while Ren is away.” Yoneya said, spreading a smile across his cheeks.

 

“Really? Who is it?”

 

Yoneya looked to Kodera, but it was readily apparent that he didn’t want to be the one to break the news. So Yoneya took it on instead.

 

“Usami is. Kazama squads’ old operator!”

 

Miwa stiffened, and he looked at Yoneya as if to say “I’m well aware of who she is- who do you think I am?” Before he grimaced and gave something of a little snarl. 

 

“Oh. Joy.”

 

“It’ll be fun!” Yoneya says, pretending to be oblivious. “She’ll liven things up a little!”

 

“When will Ren be back?”

 

“We don’t know. Usami is stepping in because the Tamakoma squads are working with some away mission operators as practice- Ren will be back as soon as she can, but Usami will be fun!” Miwa already knows all of this, but Yoneya still says it anyway.

 

Miwa doesn’t say anything else, just pulls himself into a more upright position, the blanket draped over his lap, just looking at Yoneya.

 

“I wonder if she’ll want to play dominoes?” It was the only game Yoneya could ever get the rest of his squad to play. With the strategy in matching numbers in branching paths to create opportunities to rid yourself of all tiles. It’s a shame they didn’t play it more. “She might not even know how!”

 

Kodera’s looking at him as if he’s not fully aware of how ahead of himself he’s getting, and how irrelevant he’s being. Yoneya knows it full and well, but what else was he to do?

 

Yoneya threw himself down on the sofa- “She’ll be stopping by this afternoon.” He said. “We’ve still got time to do whatever.”

 

Kodera looks at him a little funny and Miwa just draws his feet in closer. Yoneya opens up his text messages and sends one to ask if she could swing by after dinner. 

 

_ Usami: Sure can! Why so early? _

 

_ Yoneya: I want everybody to see you before you start doing techy stuff _

 

_ Usami: Okay! Hey, do Kodera and Miwa like Red bean pancakes? _

 

____

 

Sometimes Yoneya seriously overestimates himself. He almost wants to tell Miwa to relax his shoulders- because he knows for a fact it causes him headaches. Trying To help when he’s this tense, however, doesn’t seem to go well. Miwa never wants to accept help ever no matter if he’s tense or not. Yoneya doesn’t want to give him any reason to snap at him, so he just bounces his leg up and down for a moment.

 

He pulled out the old ceramic dominos. In their crumbling red box- the plastic that covered the cardboard peeling away at the edges at the weight of the think, tiny tiles. Miwa’s chewing at the inside of his cheek again, Yoneya can tell by the lonesome, little dimple there that doesn’t naturally exist. 

 

Yoneya can’t think of anything to say and isn’t totally sure that saying something at that moment would even be the right call in the first place. So he just watches out of the corner of his eyes as Miwa chews, and chews and chews, and reads the book with the rose on the cover. He reads and reads and reads, but the pages never turn. 

 

He does that sometimes too, and Yoneya has no idea as to why. What is it exactly, that makes him read the same page again and again and again but never progressing the story by turning the page? He just lingered wherever he was.

 

Narasaka was reading as well, some book that he didn’t know, Narasaka blew through books faster then Yoneya could track, and Kodera was nervously poking his leg from his seat. All just waiting for the door to slide open to accommodate Usami. 

 

Yoneya was tempted to ask Miwa what part he was at (like  _ he’d  _ ever read the book before, ha) but before he could try to dispel some of the nervous energy Usami opened the door- carrying a bag of red bean pancakes from a good store. “Hello?”

 

“Hey!” Yoneya said- almost like a cheer as he jumped to his feet. “Good to see you!” Naraska stood up, and Kodera looked frozen to his chair as Yoneya wrapped her up in a hug. “It’s been a while!”

 

“It sure has been!” She said- as Yoneya released her, she offered the bag out to him. “I brought red bean pancakes! From a good store!”

 

“Hell yeah!” Yoneya said- like he didn’t know she would. “Thank you!”

 

“Of course- hello Shohei- it’s been a while as well. How are things?”

 

Kodera looks like his sweaty palms are about to fuse into the chair. “Uh-! Doing well! Yeah, thank you.” He says, in the least even voice Yoneya could imagine any human producing. Miwa looks on, appearing unimpressed.

 

“Hello to you too Miwa and Narasaka. I hope things are well.” 

 

Miwa just looks at her, which frankly was more of a reaction then Yoneya was expecting. Narasaka dipped his head respectfully. “Likewise.” Was all he came up with. After a moment, Narasaka offered to start some tea, and Kodera shakily offered to show Usami around the operating room where she could lounge on her off time. Leaving just Yoneya and Miwa around the central table.

 

“Hey- This is gonna be fun,” Yoneya said, and Miwa looked at him for a moment, before looking down at the page he’d read so many times before. “You keep saying that.”

 

“Because it’s true! Usami is wonderful!”

 

“Then why is she in Tamakoma?”

 

“Because that’s… that’s where she wants to be.”

 

“And you just let her?”

 

“It’s not my choice. She’s her own person Shuji, it’s up to her what she does.”

 

“Even if she gets hurt?”

 

“I trust her not to.”

 

“Trust has nothing to do with it. It’s a stupidly dangerous position to put yourself in.”

 

“I know that she’ll be safe. She’s smart, and I can’t choose for her.”

 

“But maybe you’re wrong. Or maybe it’s something outside her control.”

 

“If it’s something outside her control, then it’s not her fault for being there. She’s happy at Tamakoma. They’re a nice bunch- They really are.”

 

“They’re all gonna fucking die.”

  
“Shuji.” 

 

Miwa looked up at him, looking him in the eye, and it must really look like Yoneya was serious because Miwa just growled.    
  


“Forget it.”

 

“I know what you’re saying but you can’t-”

 

“I said  _ forget it. _ ”

 

Yoneya frowned. Miwa never was able to admit when he was wrong. Or pretend to admit he was wrong, even if he thought he wasn’t- he wasn’t very good at lying.

 

“Shuji. I hate to ask but… would you mind… putting your book away?”

 

Miwa glared at him again, but it seemed to just bounce off his skin. 

 

“I know it’s hard, I just want you to try.”

 

Miwa doesn’t respond. 

 

“I’ll talk for you.” Yoneya offered. “Just two rounds of dominos, you don’t even have to talk.”

 

Miwa huffs, like Yoneya just asked him to drag a corpse up a mountain but he creases the page corner and closes the book. 

 

Yoneya wants to thank him but that would be pushing it way too far.

 

___

 

“Buckle up, motherfuckers!”

 

The door to the Miwa squad room slid open, parting to make way for the entrence of Izumi Kohei, the number two ranked shooter in all of Border- and frankly, not Miwa’s favorite person.

 

“Hey! Bullet brains!” Yoneya sprung to his feet from where he had been working on homework upon the floor, belly pressed down into the carpet. Unfortunately, Miwa had no choice  _ but _ to accommodate Izumi, because he was probably  _ Yoneya’s _ favorite person. “What brings you here?”

 

Miwa drew his knees in a little closer. He was reading “Jane Eyre” and he was, frankly, more than a little irritated over his book, in addition to the aloud disturbances. He loves a good book with mystery and sinister themes, but Jane was annoying him a fair amount because she  _ shouldn’t _ need some Gypsy to cryptically tell her that Rochester and Blanche are in a loveless engagement. That  _ should’ve _ been apparent from the  _ start _ . Yoneya had asked him why he was reading something that looked- from the cover- to be a romance novel, and Miwa lied, saying it was extra credit for his literacy class- when in all reality it was an old book of his mothers, and the rose on the cover looked a little too wilted ro be considered “healthy.”He’d started it a few days ago, and was his security gaurd the night before, when Usami showed up.

 

“I need some help rounding out my skill set,” Izumi said, and had the guy ever heard of an indoor voice? Miwa doubts it. “I need to learn how to play chess, and I figured that you’re just dumb enough to be an easy first win.”

 

“Okay, It’s on now-.” 

 

Usami poked her head out of the operation corner. “Hello, Izumi!” She said, with a hearty wave and a smile. Izumi returned it. “Hey, Usami, I hope things are well?” 

 

“They sure have been.” She said. “I heard a whispering of chess?” 

 

Izumi sunk down to the floor, and Yoneya joined him, sitting across from him, as Izumi opened an old, tattered box. “I found this in buried under a pile of garbage in my squad room, figured I’d see if I can awaken a few extra brain cells in this idiot.”

 

“Hey! Not cool, man!” 

 

“I’m messing! I just caught wind that Arashiyama used to be captain of a chess team and that Ken apparently plays, and I want to crush them both. Just to prove a point.”

 

“To impress them, you mean?”

 

“To prove a point!” 

 

“Sure.” Miwa doesn’t even have to look up to hear the eye roll in Yoneya’s voice. Miwa’s not even going to try to read until the two of them shut up. Which will probably be when Izumi leaves in an hour or two. Still, he feels safer with a book in his hands- like he has some purpose that is somehow better than playing chess on the squad room floor with the others.

 

Usami approaches, and Kodera quietly moves to join her- and the two of them watch as Izumi unceremoniously dumped all the pieces out of the box, and unfolded the board, before grabbing the instruction manual, and figuring out how to set up the pieces. 

 

Miwa was tempted to explain the set up to Izumi because for a genius, It was taking an absurdly long time to understand that bishops were more on the inside compared to Knights and that Rooks where, in fact, in the very corners. But Izumi figured it out eventually as Usami ignored them, chatting quietly with Kodera, who looked even shakier than normal. 

 

Finally, Usami started to help them figure out how every piece moved, and the basic stages of Avoid, block, or capture. Cornering, which pieces can be used to pursue a king where it was- and eventually will be, Yoneya and Izumi felt as if they had enough information to start. Kodera stayed quiet while Usami explained as if he didn’t know what she was saying, hanging onto every word, but Miwa recalled Kodera challenged him to a match last year at a library. So that couldn’t have been the case.

 

Miwa read maybe a page at a time in the quiet as Yoneya and Izumi kept taking turns glancing at the rulebook, pondering for a long while, before finally deciding to move a pawn two up on its first move- or another useless stalemate of a move. Already, it was becoming fairly apparent that Yoneya was greatly outclassed. Even when trying to take it slow, he had no idea what was happening when Izumi shifted a bishop into position to take his king he could’ve easily blocked- then seized. He was far too focused on moving his knight around the board, collecting little scraps of Izumi’s army to ‘help’ his cause. Triggy happy with taking pieces that were useless if Izumi could catch the king sooner rather than later.  Izumi slid the bishop across the way- and knocked Yoneya’s king out of place.

 

“Checkmate.”

 

“Damn it!” Yoneya swore gently, “You got me.”

 

Izumi cheered, and immediately tipped over the board, challenging Usami next. Miwa was able to get in a few sentences of his book between noting Kodera’s nervous hands as he helped Usami set up the pieces on her side. “Ladies first,” Izumi said, Miwa was tempted to correct Izumi- Usami was black and Izumi was on the white side of the board, so he should move first, before remembering that he didn’t care about Yoneya hunkered over the board, watching Izumi make a move with pawn then bishop. He didn’t care if Kodera’s anxiety around girls kicked in, he didn’t care if Usami was their substitute operator. He couldn’t care less. 

 

He was far more concerned and bothered by this stupid book. He hated it. These characters would never think for themselves- they bordered on foolish. Still, somewhere inside him, he couldn’t put it down. Even as every last sentence made him more interested than the last. 

 

He doesn’t notice that his grip on the book has grown tight until Kodera catches his eye, his glasses doing nothing to hide the nervousness on his face- and his expression asks a question. Miwa refuses him, forcing his knuckles to their tension as he draws his gaze over a line for the fourth time, feeling the malice radiating off the page- directed at him and him alone. “I would always rather be happy than dignified”

 

Usami certainly takes her time- considering her every option and wagering if a sacrifice should be made. Though between paragraphs, as quiet banter commences between people tearing him from his reading, he notes that Izumi- while claiming far more pieces- is losing far more. More than okay to sacrifice a few of his pieces, while Usami seemed to want to save every last pawn.

 

It takes a long time, but by the time Izumi has knocked out all of the truly threatening pieces, Usami still has four pawns- close to crossing to the other side of the board, and Usami is able to reclaim a few of her ace pieces. She certainly knows how to utilize rooks and bishops. Though he notes that she doesn’t like to use the knights all that much. Yoneya keeps trying to help out Izumi, but Miwa's more then sure that it’s really only a hindering distraction to him- and Kodera silently smiles at Usami as she corners Izumi along the edge of the board, a queen out of reach on his row, and a rook in the only other row he could move two- and checkmate is declared. 

 

Usami then asks if Kodera would like to play- and he nervously tells her that he’s okay just watching for now. Yoneya steps up to the plate- challenging Usami boldly as if he has any chance of winning at all. She heartily accepts, and sometimes, Miwa really can see the family resemblance between both of them.                                                                                                                                              

 

Yoneya either read the rule book, read his mind, or was just good at guessing when he sat behind the row of white- taking Izumi’s spot and took the first move for himself. 

 

By some miracle of humanity, Yoneya keeps a better eye on his king. Still Usami has claimed almost half of his forces by the time he's started to breach the more valuable assets of her side. 

 

“Shuji- can I get some help here?”

 

Shuji takes a moment to look up from his faux reading. Yoneya looking him in the eye with a pitiful smile of begging. 

 

“You can do it on your own. Thank you though.”

 

Yoneya shrugged silently, turning back to the board. Miwa pretended to not notice the weird look Izumi gave him, considering what happened. Izumi wasn't particularly subtle, he could almost hear the voice of question. “He can be polite? Since when?”

 

Miwa just kept dragging his eyes in lines over a page, not reading a word. Just listening to Yoneya moving pieces around.

 

It’s another long silence before Yoneya groans, seemingly in defeat. 

 

“Shuji? Are you sure you don't want to help me?”

 

Miwa twitches, and his chest compressed. “Alright.”

 

He takes a moment to gather himself, folding the page corner and closing the old book. Izumi looked a little stunned, and Usami and Yoneya smiled up at him as he brought himself to sit next to Yoneya. There were a few inches between their knees, but Miwa still reacted as if Yoneya’s legs were brushing his, and he curls inwards as if Yoneya’s draping heavy arms over his shoulders. When in all reality they're just sitting there.

 

Miwa tried to think about the pieces on the board. He doesn’t want to admit that chess really used to be a passion of his- and he almost chuckles at how bad Yoneya’s strategy has been thus far. 

 

People think that chess is all about pieces on the board, and defending your king- when really it’s about offensive mind games. Predicting, following your enemies eyes and understanding their strategy. It’s more about the players then the pieces on the board.

 

Miwa silently points to Yoneya what to move where- and it’s evident that Yoneya didn’t know that you can put your king right in front of an enemies pawn and still be safe. 

 

It’s laughable, how Usami looks like she doesn’t understand what he’s doing either. Yoneya eventually just gestures for Miwa to move the pieces himself, seeing that he’s doing all the work anyways- and Miwa calls checkmate only losing one more piece. 

 

Yoneya cheers in his victory, and Miwa has to choke back a smile. It  _ is _ nice.

 

___

 

There isn’t any more trouble for a few days. Yoneya knows that Miwa is frustrated that an operator from Tamakoma has been in their squad room most of the time- running a simulation and extra practice for Kodera. Narasaka was even getting tired of how frequently Kodera was asking to practice, and asking Narasaka for help. It was nice to see Kodera trying to talk with Usami, they had a nice conversation about a recent science fiction novel that they’d both read recently, and while Miwa was pessimistic about Kodera’s love life, Yoneya always smiled when he listened to the two of them. 

 

Somewhere along the line, Yoneya is genuinely considering to tell both of them “Holy crap just kiss or date please it’s  _ killing _ me.” But Kodera did ask to not intervene, so he just snickers about it behind his phone.  Miwa tries to ignore all of it. Ignore it that is, until there’s a knocking on the door.

 

Yoneya answers it to find Osamu Mikumo with Yuma Kuga at the Miwa squads front door, asking for Usami.

 

Yoneya reaches for something to tell them, without saying “Hey Shuji will probably burst a blood vessel if you show yourself and might try to cause you bodily harm, lemme get Usami to meet you out here.” But the words can’t seem to find him fast enough, and instinctively the stands aside and gestures for them to come in. He likes Yuma and Osamu- they’re good kids.

 

He knows for a fact- that Miwa won't’ take as kindly to them under any circumstance. Forget about hospitality when they come waltzing into his squad room. Sure enough- Yoneya glances over to Miwa and Miwa’s gaze is fixed upon Yuma and Osamu as they politely bow to him, and enter carefully looking to cause no disturbance, Yuma calling for Usami. 

 

Miwa looks frozen as he stares, before something in him snaps like a bamboo shoot. Yoneya steps backward towards him. Before Miwa can even say anything, Yoneya offers his hand. He’s not sure why. Whether it’s meant to help Miwa stand up from his seated position, or because he thinks one of them will benefit from the pressure of their hands. To his surprise, it’s a gesture that Miwa actually takes, feeling his soft hand hold his gently. 

 

Yoneya looks at it for a moment, the way their hands fit together so nicely. In all reality, most hands probably fit together well, but there’s something particularly nice about Miwa holding his hand just in that moment, and feeling the coolness of his fingers. He was right to pester him into wearing gloves after all. 

 

Miwa isn’t looking at him though, he’s looking right past him- at the intruders. Usami pokes her head out of Ren’s operation booth, and Osamu is handing Kodera back a book he loaned out to him. He’s staring at the kid who’s asking Usami a question whilst bouncing on his toes- in Miwa’s mind, he’s looking at a murderer.

 

“Shuji… I know-”

 

“Go away.”

 

“What? Shuji-”

 

“Tell them to leave.”

 

“Shuji, they’re just here to ask a question-”

 

“Tell that  _ filth _ to leave. That’s an order!”

 

Yuma seemed to hear Miwa’s hushed, harsh words, as did Usami- and Yoneya cleared his throat, still holding tight and fast onto Miwa’s hand.   
  
“I’m sorry- uh, Tamakoma folk? Do you guys mind taking this… somewhere else? Sorry for the, uh, inconvenience.”   
  


Yuma looks confused- and Osamu looks taken aback, but Usami’s ushering them out. It only takes a moment for Osamu to realise what he’d done. “Oh! Of course. We’re sorry Mr. Miwa.”

 

Miwa snarled again- and the door shut behind them. 

 

There was a moment of silence, and Miwa’s hand dropped from it’s clasp on Yoneya’s.  

 

Miwa just cooley turned back to the book with the rose on the cover. 

  
“Shuji…” Yoneya couldn’t quite think of the right words. “What was that?”

 

Miwa doesn’t respond, doesn’t even look at him. 

 

“I know that makes you upset, but you could’ve been softer.”   
  
“Miwa- I think. Maybe you should've  _ tried _ to be a little nicer.” Kodera supplies. “Osamu and Usami have done nothing wrong. I don’t think Yuma would try to hurt us either.”

 

Narasaka stands there, and he doesn’t look too happy about it either. “You can’t lash out at people just trying to help.”

 

Yoneya finally drew Miwa’s gaze. “Yuma hasn’t done anything wrong yet. I understand why you-”

 

“He deserves to die,”  Miwa said, looking back down at his book. Narasaka and Kodera exchange glances- it’s readily apparent that they don’t know what to say- so Yoneya steps in. 

 

“Woah. That’s… Shuji. We’re all safe. Yuma doesn’t deserve to die- he’s a good kid. A little on the short side, but He-”

 

“He’s a nieghbor.” Miwa said blankly. “He needs to die.”

 

Yoneya drew in a breath, and motioned for Narasaka and Kodera to give them some space. Narasaka obliged, and Kodera follows him loyally afterward, even though he seemed more reluctant.

 

“Shuji…”   
  
“Go away.”

 

“No. Shuji, I’m not going to leave you alone.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because this is  _ wrong! _ ”

 

Miwa doesn’t dignify him with any further response, so Yoneya stubbornly sits at the other end of the couch, watching Miwa draw his eyes over the same lines in his book over and over again. 

 

Yoneya sighs, and stares at his feet. It’s maybe time to get new shoes, his are falling apart at the seams. 

 

Miwa refuses to speak. 

 

“Shuji. You don’t really mean that- do you? Humanoid neighbors. They're like us. Trion soldiers are one thing… but wanting all neighbors to die is another. The first mass invasion… there were no humanoid. It’s not their fault.”

 

“They still deserve to die.”

 

“Shuji, do you hear yourself? You can’t just wish an entire group of people dead.”

 

“They aren't people.”

 

“Yes, they are!” Yoneya protested. “What if  _ I  _ was a humanoid neighbor? What if I lived my same life, done everything exactly the same as you knew me to have done, but I was a neighbor.”

 

Miwa stops, and closes his book without refolding the folded edge of the page, and closes it. He does seem to take a moment to consider the question.

 

Yoneya? A neighbor? THe thought makes him almost laugh, before he growled and sits up. 

 

“I’d still kill you.”

 

Yoneya opens his mouth, ready to say “See? That’s right!” until he really hears what Miwa said. 

 

“You- Wait you, you would?”

 

Miwa remains silent, just glaring at him. Finally, he looks away. 

 

“Shuji?”

 

…

 

“You… don’t  _ mean  _ that…”

 

…

 

“ _ Do you? _ ”

 

Yoneya freezes as Miwa makes no motion to defend him. There’s a ghost playing Yoneya’s nerve endings like a guitar- rhythmic little chills.

 

“You…”

 

Miwa stubbornly holds his shoulders back, and his gaze at the floor. 

 

“You really… would kill me?”

 

“If you were a neighbor,” Miwa said. “But you aren't. What’s the big deal?”

 

“What's the big deal? What the fuck?!”

 

That made Miwa look at him again- Yoneya rarely swore at him.    
  
“You would- you would  _ fucking kill me?!  _ Your hate  _ matters more than me?!” _

 

“Yousuke, that’s not what I said.”

 

“Oh, Fuck  **you** , Shuji Miwa!” 

 

“What did you-”   
  


“I guess you’d kill Kodera too, right?! And Narasaka and Ren?! We haven't done anything to hurt you, but all because of neighbors-”

 

“Neighbors are the enemy!” HIs eyes look like they’re on fire.

 

“But  _ we’re _ your  _ friends!  _ In case you missed that memo!” Yoneya feels genuinely offended. Was he  _ that  _ bad of a friend? Did Miwa like him at all? Was Yoneya  _ helping  _ him at all? He can feel watery warm tears bubble up gently. “What the fuck…”

 

“I’m not saying I  _ want  _ to hurt you!” and it’s becoming obvious that Miwa isn’t sure what he’s done wrong. “But if you came from that wretched place I would. I’d kill myself if I were one.”

 

“Miwa, you’re  _ delusional! _ ” And Yoneya can feel a little tear spill over which he quickly swipes away. “How  _ dare  _ you say ANY of that!” 

 

“I don’t understand what you’re so upset about. This should’ve been obvious.”

 

Yoneya feels his chest clench, and he fruitlessly wills his tears to stop. 

 

“Fuck you.” 

 

“Why are you crying? This isn’t-”

 

“You’d still kill me? Fuck you… Fuck you.”

 

“Why are you crying? I didn’t say anything-”

 

But Yoneya couldn’t hear it. He was already out the door without another word. He could feel Miwa’s confused gaze follow him, but if Miwa didn’t know what he did wrong- then Yoneya wasn’t going to stick around long enough to hear that. Only, there was a slight oversight in his plan- because he walked out of the operation room right into a trio of Yuma, Osamu, and Usami- and there are still tears on his face. 

 

Usami turns to see him first, and he pulls his best smile. “Howdy you three- I hope planning is going well?” He wasn’t sure they where ‘planning’ he can't’ remember anymore. 

 

“Yoneya.” Usami looks at him quizzically- and Osamu looks ready to question him as well. “I think your allergies are kicking in again.”

 

Yoneya blinked, and smiled. He always could trust Usami to cover for him. The little shrimp looks ready to say something, but a look from Osamu silences him before he even starts. 

 

“We should go out to lunch after this,” Usami says, with a smile. “My treat- Let’s get ramen.”

 

Yoneya wished he had money on him, so he could offer to pay for himself, but all of his belongings aside from his phone where still in the operations room. He was not looking to retrieve any of it until later. 

 

“That… would be nice. Thank you.”

 

___

 

“What the hell?” Kodera looked ghostly and rigid. Miwa feels a compression on his head and chest, wrapping closer and closer and closer. 

 

“What did you tell him?” Somehow, Narakasa’s even voice was thrown for a loop. 

 

“He started crying. I don't know why.”

 

“What do you  _ mean  _ you don’t know why? You told him that you’d  _ kill him! _ ”

 

“If he was a neighbor.” He re-clarified. 

 

“Miwa- that… that doesn’t help anything.”

  
“Yes. It does. That’s what it was about.”

 

“You just told him, and all of us, that you’d kill us then give us a chance if we ever took the shape of something  _ slightly different. _ ”

 

“Kodera, you’re beginning to sound like a Tamakoma member.”

 

“So  _ WHAT?! _ ” Kodera claimed. “I don’t tell people I want them dead!”

 

“That’s not what I said at all.”

 

“If you really think that, Miwa.” Kodera looks ready to burst. “That-  **that’s a horrible way to live** ! No  _ wonder  _ you’re so unhappy!” Miwa thinks maybe he’s started to cry as well, but he doesn’t want to look too hard for that.

 

“You’re missing the point,” Narasaka said- but Miwa was done listening. 

 

“He shouldn’t ask questions he doesn’t want the answers too. It’s not my fault.”

 

Naraska glowered. 

 

“Of course it wasn’t.”

 

He was done with this. He grabbed his book tightly- and stormed out of the operation room to be met with an empty hallway, Yoneya already having left.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

 

___

 

“Okay. You have Raman, and soda- now tell me what’s wrong.” 

 

Yoneya smiled at himself- it was weak, but Usami always was too nice for her own good. He was in no position to turn it down. The beef ramen looked wonderful after all he just heard. 

 

“It’s… well, I think you can guess.”

 

“Miwa?”

 

Yoneya drew a breath. “...Yeah.”

 

SHe hums, and somehow she already looked impatient over the topic. She never has really gotten the chance to meet Miwa like Yoneya had, but after his cold open- Yoneya could understand the judgement and conclusions she might’ve come to. 

 

“He seems…. I don’t understand why you speak so highly of him. Well- I do! But, I haven't really seen it yet.”

 

“I know… He’s a little… You know. Sporadic.”

 

“Hmm…. It seemed like it. Still… that doesn’t explain why you were crying.”

 

“I wasn’t!”

 

Usami looks at him funny, sipping at her tea. 

  
“Well… He just. He just said some really hurtful things. I guess I wasn’t ready to hear it all.”

 

Usami nodded, leaning forward. “Okay… and what spurred it on?”

 

___

 

“Dread remorse when you are tempted to err, Miss Eyre; remorse is the poison of life.”

 

It isn’t often that Miwa will find himself wandering the forbidden zone on his lonesome. Watching for movement among the empty homes with stray bullet holes dotting them.

 

He wasn’t wrong. Neighbors were still the enemy, and nothing would ever change that. 

 

But getting such stern and unbelievable words from Narasaka and Kodera did make him think about it. And he will admit, the sole thought of murdering Yosuke made him freeze.

 

The vile image of Yoneya dying makes him twitch, and the thought of twisting a knife there himself makes him even more depressed. He really couldn’t kill Yoneya, even if he  _ was  _ a neighbor. Maybe that was a weakness on his part.

 

He decides that he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like the softness of his mind and actions. He should be able to keep himself safe before anything else- no matter what, but if it was between him and Yoneya…

 

Miwa knows he would take the bullet. To keep him safe. And alive.

 

The more he allows himself to stiffly consider it, the more surprised he is that he hadn’t considered it.

 

He tries to imagine killing Narasaka or Kodera- and bizarrely enough, He still doesn’t think he could do it, even if they were neighbors. Maybe he  _ was  _ wrong. If it was a choice, however, between any of them dying, Miwa would take that fall himself. That was something he  _ had _ thought about when it came to rank wars. He would rather be the first one out then the last. Not because it made sense for his team's strategy, not even remotely- but because he always wanted to keep his team safe. He used to chalk that up to the fact that he was the captain, and if the ship was going down, he went first. It just seemed like morality. 

 

If it was between his snipers and Yoneya however, and only one of them could live… it took Miwa a minute to consider it. There was some strange feeling that made him compelled to chose Yoneya, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. 

 

Thinking about these hypothetical situations was making him irritable and nervous.

 

Miwa wonders if anybody had ever tried connecting the dots of the bullet holes of certain homes, to see what kind of shapes they might make. They looked like certain constellations, the more he looked at them.

 

It took him to rememer what the alarm was for. He turned and watched as a filthy Bamster drop from a gate like a lazy slug and clumsily crash to the ground.

 

Miwa feels no urgency in his bones, as he cooly walks towards the sound. Like killing neighbors, for a moment, doesn’t matter. 

 

The beast is lumbering towards him with its ugly roar, and Miwa pulls out his gun, feeling the heavy feeling of it in his gloved hands and fires it right at the eye of the hideous thing. He hits his mark and it crumbles without any extra effort. 

 

Miwa looks at its white plateing, and despicable little spikes that line its fat face. How he despises every last feature of it.

 

“Woah! Hey Miwa!”

 

Miwa turns and is met with Izumi- waving his arms like an asshole overhead. It’s a mixed squad patrol, Touma behind Izumi, followed by Midorikawa.a pretty heavy duty trio- he wonders if there was an influx of gates opening recently. Midorikawa jumps off the building, and Izumi and Touma trot up to meet him, why he isn’t sure.    
  
“Wow! Miwa, you’re so impressive!” Midorikawa says. Miwa’s relatively acquainted with the kid, more chipper and nice then polite, but he is a charmer. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen a gunner take out a neighbor like that! You’re so accurate!”

 

Miwa isn’t sure what to say, the little kid bouncing on his toes like springs. All he comes up with is a “Yeah” As Midorikawa enthusiastically looks at the bullseye of his shot that burst the beast’s trion supply, collapsing it as it slowly bleeds dry.

 

“Well, thanks, Miwa.” Says Izumi, looking mildly impressed himself. “That was very nice of you.”

 

“I was around,” Miwa said. But Izumi was stubborn. “Hey- less legwork for us! Thanks!”

 

Miwa wants to point out that Izumi probably spent more energy thanking him for his work then it would take him to topple the Bamster, but he has a feeling that it’s more of a novelty rather than a real ‘thank you’

 

Still, Midorikawa was overly polite and enthusiastic- and Izumi was certainly being nice…

 

Why did Yoneya insist on ditching Izumi sometimes to spend time with him instead? They seemed far more beneficial and nice to be around.

 

Yoneya was strange.

 

Midorikawa pokes at the bleeding eye of the Bamster with his fingers, inspecting Miwa’s perfect bullet-hole, eroding the supply system as it bleeds and leaks and empties itself of all life. Izumi points out to him that the reason it really worked was that his single bullet lodged itself in the very center of the organ, where an inexperienced gunner can graze the surface- shutting one down with a single bullet means penetrating its dead center. Midorikawa listened intently to what Izumi was saying, and Miwa tried to ignore them. Not knowing what to say other then “It’s not that hard. Plenty of others can do the same.”

 

Finally, Touma pulls Midorikawa away from the Bamster, telling the both of them that they need to make it to sector 4-G by the end of the hour, and they needed to keep moving. 

 

Midorikawa gives Miwa a big smile and a wave, and Izumi bids him goodbye before the two of them go skipping on their way, Touma following them with just a little less enthusiasm, but still full of care.

 

___

 

Usami stared at the bottom of her empty teacup. It’s a very nice periwinkle color, bright and vibrant.

 

“I don’t think he meant to!” Yoneya says, trying to defend his captain before Usmia could even raise the problems. “I mean- maybe he did. He certainly did take it back but… I don’t think he does? He’s soft! He really is- I told you about the time he saved the stray cat in the forbidden zone one time? He’s not a bad guy! But it... It really did hurt.”

 

“I don’t disagree,” Usami said. “From what I’ve heard of him… he doesn’t seem to be malicious in the least. I’m just worried that you’re justifying it too much to yourself.”   
  


“I don’t think he really registers what he said.”

 

“But that doesn’t make it right, Yousuke.”

 

‘I never said it did!”   
  


“But that’s what you  _ want  _ to say.”

 

He drew in a breath, exhaled and looked over to see the crowd of people enjoying their lunches. 

 

“Maybe… I know that maybe I’m just making more excuses for him then he maybe deserves, but not doing so just feels wrong to me. Does that make sense?”

 

“It does, but I think you’re letting your own preferences and your own love of him cloud your own judgement. He’s handled this pretty poorly, no matter how much you like him.”   
  


“You make it sound like I'm in an abusive relationship of some kind.” Yoneya frowned. “Is it really that bad?”   
  


‘Certainly not! He doesn’t do it on purpose, and based on what we know, he’s probably going to come around sooner or later. Only if he doesn’t do we have a problem.”

 

“I guess.”

 

“You’re allowed to be nice to him, and you’re certainly allowed to forgive him… but just be careful, okay?”

 

“I will. I promise.”

 

____

 

The question is how to fix it- how to word it, how to say it.

 

He’s leaning against the Bamster, it had stopped leaking and was now an empty shell of a soldier. He sits against the enemy, back against the smooth armor, his knees were drawn up as he stares blankly at his phone. 

 

How does he even go ABOUT apologizing about this?

 

He’s typed a few drafts, ones admitting he made a mistake, ones saying sorry explicitly, a few that just asked him where he went. But all of them were somehow too daunting to send. He willed his finger to just.  _ Press the send button  _ but it wouldn’t. He just stared at the message until it became evil in nature and deleted it for another.

 

He tried and tried and tried again but his finger just wouldn't hit send. He was petrified as he leaned against his greatest enemy in life.

 

He tried to think of a message he  _ would  _ have the guts to send. 

 

After half an hour of staring and thinking, and grumbling to himself about his own uselessness as a friend- he did send a message.

 

“Hey.”

 

That’s all it said. Thirty minutes and all he could muster was three letters to a friend he knows full and well was upset because he did something insensitive and shitty. It was his fault, and all he could create was three letters.

 

Maybe Kodera was right- and this was a horrible way to live.

 

He drops his phone to his side, and pulls out his book. While Miwa found himself criticising characters for being so dense in his actions before- now maybe he gets it a little. It doesn’t mean the book isn’t stupid- but there’s something to it that keeps him going, even if it takes him a while to turn the pages. 

 

He opens it up, and skips a few pages. He doesn’t want to think about the pages he’s read when Yoneya got upset- so he picks up at the next scene and hopes that it will all make sense still.

 

He waits for his phone to ring. To buzz with a message from Yoneya, and the paranoia of waiting makes it hard to read at all, but eventually he begins scrolling through pages at a respectable rate. No notification from his phones comes to break his silence as he reads, occasionally glancing up at the looming black buildings at the scattered clouds in the sky.

 

Nothing… from Yoneya.

 

His dull eyes glow at the page and his heart hammers and his foot taps in frustration.

 

“ I had not intended to love him; the reader knows I had wrought hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected; and now, at the first renewed view of him, they spontaneously revived, great and strong! He made me love him without looking at me.”

 

Miwa huffs as he reads the line for the fourth time over- his mind beginning to wander. Maybe he really did fuck this up- even worse than he thought. 

 

____

 

Yoneya doesn't talk to him all of the next day. Well, he does- but its all hollow and angry. Miwa looks out his window, pencil tapping lightly upon the surface of his history homework. He was pretending like some take-home-essay mattered more then Yoneya, but he knew better.

 

The clouds outside were dark, and when he’d walked home from school that day- alone for the first time in a while, he smelled fresh rain approaching.

 

He’s tried to focus, he honestly has, but the thoughts of Yoneya being unwell or missing from his life is something he can’t quite kick. It’s terrifying to him. If Yoneya where to ever leave him… or die… he isn’t sure what he’d do.

 

He thinks this is the only time that Yoneya has ever been truly mad at him. Maybe that’s why it’s making him rethink so much. He never really thought about how much Yoneya did for him.

 

It’s hard to say why it’s ragging at his mind, but it only takes twenty minutes of festering before his stupid essay before the rain starts playing hopscotch on the roof- and his mind takes over the matter of himself, and he drags himself into bed after dimming the lights, and He closes his eyes as he feels the covers around him, weighing him down. He thinks. 

 

He thinks that maybe Yoneya had a right to be mad.

 

He thinks that maybe it’s not about Miwa hating neighbors so much he’d wish harm upon his friends. 

 

He thinks that maybe he’s always been this horrible. 

  
He thinks that that is a truly ugly concept.

 

He thinks that he wants to make it up to Yoneya, for all the help Yoneya has given him. 

 

He thinks that maybe he’d still want to make it up to him even  _ if  _ Yoneya wasn’t so dear to him.

 

He doesn’t think he can come up with a great solution as to how.

 

He doesn’t think he’s burned his bridge with Yoneya forever, he’s never seen Yoneya give up on solving a problem with other people, and he has seen Yoneya truly be upset at people. He does, however, think that he truly needs to come up with a way to reason with him quickly, or the damage may be near irreversible.

 

He thinks that he wants to see Yoneya.

 

He thinks he wants to feel Yoneya- touch him, to make sure he’s real.

 

Somewhere outside his window, thunder suddenly boomed- as if the sky had cracked apart and sealed in an instant. Miwa jumped- startled, eyes snapping open to see his phone falling off his bed. 

 

He reaches down to pick it up- when it occurs to him that Yoneya must be scared. It was something he ran into a few weeks prior- the Achilles’ heel of Yoneya. He was scared of thunder.

 

Yoneya had clutched his coffee tightly when Miwa first saw it- Miwa was concerned, sure the first strike of thunder was always startling, but suddenly Yoneya started drawing shorter and shorter breaths. Yoneya had waved him off with a laugh, stating that “I’m just not a fan of thunder is all” But Miwa wasn’t sure he’d seen him look so unsettled in a long time. 

 

Suddenly, his fingers were able to play hopscotch on the keypad of his phone alongside the rain- and he was able to send a message. What made this time different than earlier?

 

_ Are you okay? I hear thunder outside. _

 

He stared at it- waiting to see Yoneya type out a response but it never did come.

 

_ I just want you to be         _ delete, delete, delete, delete.

 

_ Should I come ov       _ delete, delete, delete, delete,

 

_ Can you      _ delete, delete.

 

Miwa stares in frustration. Hey, one genuine text isn’t too shabby for him. But he wishes he could do better. 

 

He stares at it for a moment, then out the window. He sees heavy raindrops knocking against the window asking for entrance, 

 

Then he closes his eyes, clutching his phone delicately against this chest as he turns under the blankets. He thinks that maybe he doesn’t deserve Yoneya’s forgiveness, but he knows that it won't stop him seeking it out. He thinks he’s always been a little selfish in nature.

 

He closes his eyes and continues to think.

 

He thinks that Yoneya worries too much. 

 

He thinks that the gloves Yoneya got him to wear are nice and comfortable. 

 

He thinks that Yoneya is really bad a chess, but very good at having fun.

 

He thinks that Yoneya’s smile is nice, and that Yoneya crying might be one of the worst things he’d ever caused.

 

He thinks that considering all of this about Yoneya is kind of nice.

 

He thinks that Yoneya should try to read a romance novel sometime- for all the romantic comedy movies he’s seen.

 

He thinks that Yoneya might be ignoring him, after thirty minutes of waiting, his message bearing the “read” mark, but no response in sight.

 

He curls up a little tighter into himself. 

 

He thinks that maybe he should take matters into his own hands- and he thinks that the thunder outside won’t be stopping for a while.

 

When was the last time he let his mind just wander like this? It really was bizarre.

 

He doesn’t put any effort at all into thinking about what he might look like, just keeps thinking about Yoneya- he’s so consumed with the idea it really is a wonder why he never just let himself think about it before. 

 

It’s not like he  _ hadn’t  _ ever thought about Yoneya, an who he was outside of their friendship, it's just that every time his mind wandered there he shut himself down and never questioned why.

 

He slips on his shoes, and slips out under the rain. He can feel the cold water bouncing off his head, and the sky flashes with thunder for a moment as he strolls towards the bus stop at the end of the road. He can’t remember what time it is, he can’t wonder what is compelling him so much as his shoes fill with water, and his clothes begin to stick to him in the torrent of water pouring upon his home. All he knows, and all he thinks is about how he just  _ needs  _ to see Yoneya, and that he  _ should  _ and  _ can. _ That’s all that really matters.

 

He can’t even realise that he’s brought in a sopping, deep puddle that collects under his feet on the bus- the few passengers that ride this late at night staring at him. He’s no umbrella to shield himself, still in a school uniform after dark, riding a train by himself. He isn’t a hoodlum or a criminal, he's a highschool kid who looks put together, if you ignore the water dripping from him. He must be quite the sight, but he just can’t seem to care.

 

His mind can’t kick the thoughts of it all. How much Yoneya has done, how important he is to him. All of it, it hits him all in one wave. How much he really loves Yoneya. 

 

Thinking it just seems reliving. Allowing himself to admit that. Without Yoneya he would be even worse off- maybe dead. All Yoneya has ever done is to try to help him, and all Miwa did was refuse him the right, and pretending to be above it when he genuinely needed it. 

 

He can feel himself smile. Not because he’s forcing one- or because he thinks it's a nice way to show people on the outside that he is content, it just spreads across his face as he stares at his own wobbling reflection in the pool of water under his shoes, suddenly seeming a lot more shallow. 

 

“I care.” He says, hardly a whisper to himself. It was a miracle, even to himself.

 

The smile wouldn’t stop. HIs cheeks hurt badly, but he couldn't wipe it away. Maybe he  _ wasn't  _ a horrible person. He  _ cared  _ about Yoneya. He couldn’t stop that feeling from bubbling under his skin as he steps off the bus, feeling warm even as he was pelted with more of the heavy rainwater. 

 

It isn’t until he can see Yoneya’s home in the distance does the water run cold again, and his water-filled shoes slow his step.

 

_ What was he going to say? _

 

He tries to keep moving. He cares. Yoneya will know that he cares- this can’t be too little too late, right? He’s trying. He’s trying really hard. 

 

Then again, is effort alone enough?

 

He thinks back to Izumi and Midorikawa inspecting his throwaway bullet hole, being so kind and openly happy. Miwa can feel himself rolling back towards square one. Maybe Yoneya  _ should  _ hate him.

 

He shakes his head. He could worry about it once he tried. Right? Yoneya always valued effort- and he was going to have to make it up one way or another. All he could do is try. 

 

He reached down for his phone, and refuses his finger to freeze over the ‘send’ button.

 

_ Hey, I’m coming over. I want to talk. _

 

_ Just to check in. Just to see you. _

 

There’s still no response form Yoneya, it takes him a few minutes to be standing in front of his doorstep, rain still pummeling him, he struggled to text amongst all the water that rapidly collected on his phones surface.

 

_ I’m outside _

 

_ Please let me in _

 

_ It’s cold and wet outside _

 

_ Please. _

 

He even knocks on the door for good measure, and it takes a minute for his messages to be marked as read, the sopping water leaking into all his bones, making them wobbly and chilled. Finally, Mwa can feel his breath hitch as he hears the click of an uneven lock, and the door opens to the most lifeless imposter of Yoneya he’s ever seen. He looks tired, and unimpressed, Miwa just tries to smile, but it’s suddenly very hard all over again.

 

“You’re demanding, for somebody who wants me dead.”

 

Miwa flinches, absolutely drenched, his hair might be covering Yoneya from getting a good look at his face, especially as he stares down hollowly at the ground.

 

Still, Yoneya steps aside to let him inside, and Miwa stands, shivering in the entryway Yoneya disappears into his bathroom, and tosses him a worn looking towel that’s frayed after many years of use. Miwa nods at him, willing his mouth to say “Thank you” but all he can do is nod. Yoneya huffs a sigh as he retreats into his bedroom as Miwa dries himself off in the entryway and Yoneya remerges and throws him some dry clothes. 

 

Yoneya’s eyes do not draw away from him as he strips down to his underwear and tugs the clean shirt over his head, it’s Yoneya’s nice yellow one with a weird dog and a sunflower.

 

“Thank you.” The words come out a little late. Yoneya doesn’t reply just continues to stare at him, sand Miwa can still feel his frustration. 

 

“Why are you here? It’s late.” Yoneya says, but what he means is really  _ Why are you here? You hate me, apparently.  _

 

Miwa just hopes that Yoneya did trust his gut, Yoneya probably knew better then Miwa that he actually didn’t mean what he said. He thought he did but he just couldn’t. 

 

“I… needed to see you.”

 

“Why?”

 

Miwa took in a deep breath, Yoneya wasn’t going to make this easy. Then again, Yoneya  _ shouldn’t _ make this easy. He really screwed up. 

 

Miwa can’t quite formulate an answer and Yoneya kind of looks at him as if he expected that- which only made it worse.

 

He knew that he just had to apologize and it would be smooth sailing from there. 

 

“I- I’m...We need to talk.”

 

“Okay,” Yoneya says, and it’s apparent that he’s waiting for him to say something of value. Something other than excuses.    
  
“I Need to- I just- I’m s- I- I - I’m sor-”

 

Mia clapped his hands over his face, to hide. “I’m sorry.” He apologized, for his own stuttering. But that worked too. “I’m sorry! I’m really sorry.” 

 

“Shuji.”

 

Miwa still cowering behind his hands a little lowered them enough to see Yoneya looking at him. 

 

“Thanks.” He said, nodding- but it looked like he hadn’t totally bought it- understanding that the apologies were more for his own stammering then what he’d done. 

 

Miwa bit his lip, but it was too late- little tears blossomed in slid down his face one at a time. He swiped them away with his forearm, still cold everywhere. “I’m sorry.” 

 

Still, it’s not good enough, but Yoneya does soften notably. “You look freezing… I’ll start some tea, go fetch yourself a blanket, okay?”

 

Miwa nodded, and quietly tiptoed to Yoneya’s bedroom. He was familiar with it, floor always full of dirty laundry, two bean bag chairs, some video game consoles and an old movie collection that he bought for a few dollars each to watch blockbusters to film students in a basement- to mock or praise. He grabbed the top blanket off Yoneya’s bed, a nice orange plush one, and draped it over himself. It smelled like him- that warm smell that would cling to Miwa’s pillow after spending the night on occasion.

 

He carefully holds the blanket around himself, pretending Yoneya was holding his close- When he emerges Yoneya’s tapping his cheek, resting himself against the countertop, just watching the kettle, and Miwa can hear the bubbling begin to grow from the echoing from the bottom of the pot. 

 

Yoneya gives him a look, one that’s soft and kind, and Miwa knows it’s his invitation to stand close to him. Yoneya wraps a hand around his waist for a moment, as they watch the still pot on the stove. One of the best things about Yoneya, Miwa thinks, if that there is no pity in his eyes. Miwa’s tears are invisible to him. He doesn’t see that defacement of his pride. He just sees Miwa. and that is a wonderful thing. But to stand next to somebody so amazing? Somebody he is so wholly undeserving of? 

 

He kicks the thought from his mind. He could worry about that later.

 

Yoneya releases him as the kettle begins to whistle, and Miwa just watches and Yoneya makes them mint tea, and place everything back to where it should be, before they silently moved into Yoneya’s room and sat along the edge of his bed, Miwa blowing on his tea gently. It was too hot to hold by the body to warm his hands just yet, but he enjoyed the smell of it at least as he clutched its thin handle.

 

It’s quiet for a moment, Yoneya sipping the tea already that no doubt burned his tongue a little biased on his flinch. Miwa’s tears have stopped, though he can still feel the shame clawing at him. Yoneya glances at him for a moment, before sipping again, and looking out across the room with Miwa and suddenly it’s a lot easier to say things.

 

“I made a mistake.”

 

He didn’t even stutter that time, that’s a plus. “I really did.”   
  


Yoneya pauses, before nodding distractedly. “Yeah… you did. That’s okay though, I make a lot of dumb mistakes. I get it.”

 

Miwa bites his tongue, grinding it lightly between his canine teeth. The pain is a nice distraction, because while he can admit he’s made a mistake begging Yoneya for his forgiveness is a different ballpark entirely. He takes a moment and wonders how he's going to phrase it. 

 

“Shuji,” Yoneya murmurs before he can even formulate how to say it.    
  
“I forgive you.”

 

“What?”

 

“It really did hurt… but I forgive you.”

 

“Yousuke, I didn’t even-”

 

“It’s okay,” Yoneya says, and they make eye contacts as Yoneya smiles. “I think we both learned from this.”

 

Miwa is quiet, wondering how the hell he took the admirable traits of Yoneya for granted. “Okay.”

 

They drink their tea calmly, Miwa glad to have something warm in his system, still chilled and damp from the rain outside. Halfway through his mug, Yoneya’s finished his whole, and hugs him from behind, resting a chin on his shoulder in an allegid attempt to help warm him up but all Yoneya warmed was his face He can still hear the rain stomping down on the roof above them, Yoneya yawning, and closing his eyes. He looks tired and drained. Until that is, the window glows and a snap of thunder send Yoneya ridged and cowering in his shoulder. Trying to lamely maintain his composure, but Miwaw can feel the fear stemming from him. Yoneya’s arms are tight around him, and finally, he feels as if he can say it.    
  
“I’m sorry.”

 

Yoneya just holds him a little tighter, and Miwa can almost feel himself sinking deeper into the mattress. Saying it  _ so nice.  _ “I’m sorry.”

 

“I knew you didn’t mean it,” Yoneya says after a moment. “Thank you.”

 

Yoneya plucks the mug of tea out of his hands, and sets it on the floor, before pulling Miwa down into his back and throwing an arm over him. “Thank you.” 

 

Miwa’s heart pounds, And he wraps closer. “I’m sorr,.” he says again. “I could never want you dead.”

 

“Even if I was a neighbor?”

 

Miwa nodded quietly, and it was really abstract, the idea that his friendship was more important than his hatred. He kind of understood what Kodera had been saying, about it being a horrible way to live.

 

He is about to tell Yoneya that maybe he should go home about then, when more thunder claps, and Miwa pushes it aside. He can get his school stuff in the morning, and the rain outside hasn’t let up one bit It doesn't help that Yoneya already looks like he’s falling asleep in the middle of a thunderstorm of all things. 

 

He’ll worry about it tomorrow.

 

____

 

Miwa doesn’t think he’s ever cared about school less. All he did was read Jane Eyre though classes and quietly talk to Yoneya when their classes overlapped. Usually, it was Yoneya who was distracting  _ him _ , but he just couldn’t bring himself to care about principles of trigonometry that morning. 

 

So of course, as he eyes the homework over the squad room table he feels a little irritable, because it’s  _ his  _ job to know how to do all of this.

 

Well, in all reality, it sin’t. But he wants it to be- and he hopes that Yoneya doesn’t ask him for help- just pushes it off till tomorrow, or until Miwa can go home and look it up, figure out how to do it on his own. 

 

Miwa still can't really make the words come out, and Yoneya just seems restless and after a while, as the squad room empties out. 

 

Next to Yoneya, who mindlessly flips through a comic book Miwa feels well rested for a change of pace. Still, he doesn’t let that stop him from leaning against Yoneya a little bit at a time. His book was getting better and better, still not amazing, but better. Certain lines really were speaking to him, so that was always nice.  “I ask you to pass through life at my side—to be my second self, and best earthly companion.” The characters still were stupid, but most humans were, so Miwa gave them a pass,  before leaning his head on Yoneya’s shoulder, shutting his book and closing his eyes.

 

There’s a moment of stillness where Miwa allows himself to just breathe before Yoneya raises a quiet voice.

 

“Shuji, I already forgave you.”

  
  


Miwa doesn’t open his eyes or move. “I know.” 

 

Yoneya doesn’t say anything more for what could maybe be a minute, until Miwa hears the shuffling of Yoneya’s hands closing his comic and placing it down somewhere next to him/ Both of their focus entirely with one another still leaned up agianst one another.

 

Yoneya then puts his arm around the back of the sofa- and miwa makes no effort to move. 

 

“You are… really somethin’ else.”

 

“Mm?”

 

“Yeah!  I think that you’re very strong. You work so hard, and help so many others- even when you… you’re… suffering.”

 

“...”

 

“I think that you’re amazing.”   
  


Miwa hopes Yoneya understands that he just can’t get the words out again, that in his mind he’s flipping over and over, and trying to reflect Yoneya’s words back at himself. Words still can’t form, so he lazily throws and arm over Yoneya’s torso, and hopes that gets his point across. After a moment, Yoneya lets out something of a chuckle, and Miwa mumbles something that Yoneya’s fairly sure that it wasn't supposed to be legible words, to begin with but understands what he meant anyway. “I’m not lying. I really do think so.”

 

Miwa grumbles- just noises, and Yoneya smirks to himself. You’re welcome, buddy.”

 

Yoneya moves his arm around Miwa’s shoulders, and Miwa feels ready to implode. 

Miwa kind of sighs, and Yoneya asks “Can you hear it?” Miwa nods- And Yoneya looks really nervous. His heart is pounding out of his chest, he can feel it. 

 

“You’re alive.” Miwa says, ear pressed down to his chest. 

 

“I uh… yeah.”

 

Miwa looks nervous for a moment. “It’s… beating really hard.” He admits. 

 

“Yeah…” Yoneya said. “It- uh... Well, you’re leaning on it.”

 

“Me?”

 

“...Yeah?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Well… uh- I think… can’t you… like- fill in the blanks yourself?

 

“What?”

 

“God- do you- can you just-?”

 

“Uh- Yousuke?”

 

“I like you! Like- really uh, god, “ Yonetta kinda covers his face, totally red, “I think that you- uh- oh god, you’re just really amazing, and strong and- I just want you to be happy? And I’d - shit- uh-”

 

“Really?”

 

“What?”

 

“You really… you really think of me like that?”

 

Yoneya just knew- just by looking at him. 

 

“Yes?”

 

“Like- you actually…”

 

“Yes!”

 

“I…” Miwa stares at him blankly- and Yoneya feels fit to burst

 

Yoneya just reaches in to kiss him

 


End file.
